Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of
10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking
and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after
about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself
another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have
to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good
but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE,
I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate He soon found a very sexy loon and
brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon
would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to
spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he
found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This
time the sex was great, but all the duck Would say was.....




No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!
... Don't be SO disgusting. !
The duck said,
'I am a DRAKE , you've made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

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Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned
'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to
Look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
Over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

A man walks in a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank! But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

"Did you see me Rob this Bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!...... SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds ... "No, ....... But My Wife Did

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there 's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!!
Exercise 1. Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut, and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2; Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3; Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again.

Congratulations!

Now you nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram.

And just a thought for all you women out there............................................. ..........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause;
Ever notice how all of women's problems begin with men? And when we have real problems it's HISterectomy!!

P.S Don't forget the GUYnecologist!!

"Gaining a little weight are
we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little
gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the
priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some more weight are
we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little
gas," she replied again.


A couple of months later the
priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He
leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little
fart."

Forgive me for this one... I just couldn’t help myself!



This is too funny:)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...




(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

whoa that is a lot.
I'll have to read them all tomorrow. But thanks so much valerie!

ROFL!!!!!

Those are SO funny. I loved the hairspray one!!

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot,
Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that
faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had
sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for
that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'