Re: Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

BuzzNut · by BuzzNut on Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:17 pm

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."

She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her."

"Yeah?" says the hippie.

"Yeah!" says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that
luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"

Lori · by Lori on Thu Apr 09, 2009 7:20 pm

Lori · by Lori on Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:22 am

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

tara · by tara on Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:36 am

BuzzNut · by BuzzNut on Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:41 am

LOL good one!

thebigscott · by thebigscott on Thu Apr 16, 2009 1:14 pm

Ok, THAT was funny!

edbson · by edbson on Wed May 06, 2009 12:37 pm

[b]My Resimay[/b]

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:....[size=9][b] [/b]

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

[/size]

tara · by tara on Wed May 06, 2009 1:03 pm

I was reading and wondering how you got a letter written by my hubby. He really can not spell, at all. Unfortunately he doesn't look like that. I'd hire him too.

BuzzNut · by BuzzNut on Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:53 am

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

thebigscott · by thebigscott on Mon Jun 08, 2009 10:59 am

LOL! I like that one.

BuzzNut · by BuzzNut on Mon Jun 08, 2009 2:37 pm

Thanks to who ever moved it..I knew there was a place for jokes, but overlooked this spot.

Here's something a guy posted on another board I am on:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**.”

BuzzNut · by BuzzNut on Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:06 pm

A little known
fact...

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet in an NHL game was used in 1974.

It took
100 years for men to realize that the brain is also
important

Lucky · by Lucky on Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:32 pm

LOL, they thought they were protecting their brain. Razz

thebigscott · by thebigscott on Thu Jun 25, 2009 5:29 pm

Excerpt from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Lucky · by Lucky on Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:01 pm

This is for anyone who has a mom, has been a mom, or knows a mom.

Mom video