Jokes and Funnies!! Come on it for a laugh!!

I decided to go ahead and combine all jokes in here. just post them and we can laugh.
Lets try not to offend anyone. And try not to be offended. I doubt that anyone would purposefully write a joke to offend anyone, but I am sure that someone some where will decide that a blonde joke is funny. (when we all know they are not, they are mean and degrading and just plain awful) But me, being a smart, and adorable blonde, refuses to take offence at such foolishery.

Of course if you see a joke that does offend you, and you cant laugh about it, PM any mods, we will look into it!


Basicly, if you are easily offended, please dont go further.
If you intend to offend with a joke, please dont post it.

and remember, dont eat the W's in the M&M package. they are rejects!

Three handsome male dogs are
walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female
Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to
be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the
same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of
her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be
kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and
'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I
love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That
shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the
tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I
HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said
the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's
sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature
but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives
her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and
says....


(ok
this is good)





Liver alone. Cheese mine.

OK, I love that. I am soooo telling everyone I know.

ROFLMAO!!

Thats a good one!

lol.... hubby agrees

Keep posting the jokes valerie!

You sure? Cuz I got lots of them.........

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOB ? says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

Send this to bright women and strong men you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little.....

GOOD FRIENDS ARE THE RARE JEWELS OF LIFE...
DIFFICULT TO FIND AND IMPOSSIBLE TO REPLACE!

HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY
AND A BETTER TOMORROW!

Yes! Please!

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping
garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'ma dumpin it here, cause it says
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens i n Louisiana 20
years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered,
'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75 The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


TENNESSEE
A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by a nd was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

ARKANSAS
'You can say what you want about the South,
but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the

beach?'

***********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their

Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from

years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with

her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a

penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger

and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she

could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I

remember the guy you're talking about.'

*************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a

Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a

few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

*************************************************************
Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he

was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of

years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse. The

two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went

on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the

courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered,

'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to

their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say,

'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not

even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and

called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more

courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say

'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.'

and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad

that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center, 'I just bought a new

hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state- of- the-

art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami, went to the doctor at the local

Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw

Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're

really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,'

Morris replied.

To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got

a heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream

parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a

stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress

asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde "Those are my emergency flashers!"

A Blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of
all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived
as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that
blondes are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she
is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the
distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a
fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is O K.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and
she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why sh e has a ski jacket over her fur
coat.
*
*She replies that she was reading the directions on the
paint can and it said....

**(scroll down)... I love this one.......... *

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